Work is often a sanctuary. For some, it might be the only place the mask can slip, and the only place the thread of coercive control loosens just enough to breathe. Spotting domestic abuse at work isn’t always about black eyes or broken bones. It’s about the invisible threads and the tiny shifts that scream something is deeply wrong.
I know, because I lived it.
My trauma wasn’t just a private hell; it became my professional expertise. I founded Stronger Beginnings because I wanted employers to see what my colleagues couldn’t. I needed them to know how to spot the thread before it became a noose. That’s why I advocate so passionately for the ABC Framework: Appearance, Behaviour, and Conversation.
It is a simple, memorable checklist and a practical communication tool. Because coercive control is insidious—it isolates, it manipulates, and it escalates—spotting domestic abuse at work is the ultimate early warning system.
Let’s break down the Before and After.
APPEARANCE
Changes in appearance often signal the heavy emotional and psychological toll of coercive control. It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes, it’s desperately subtle.
Before, she was the polished professional who wore bright colours and seasonal clothes. After? The thread tightens. She might suddenly wear long sleeves in a sweltering July to hide bruises, or pile on heavy concealer to mask the sheer exhaustion of walking on eggshells at home. Her entire dress code shifts overnight because he dictated what she is allowed to wear.
Spotting domestic abuse at work means noticing these visual shifts. It’s about professional curiosity, not judgement.
BEHAVIOUR
Coercive control profoundly impacts a victim’s behaviour, as perpetrators actively seek to isolate, monitor, and manipulate their every move. The Before vs. After contrast is often stark.
Before, she was the life of the office, always attending team lunches and consistently punctual. After, she is a ghost of herself. She frantically checks her phone, terrified of missing his call. She rushes out the door at exactly 5:00 PM because being five minutes late is dangerous. She isolates herself from colleagues, her productivity inevitably drops, and the sick days pile up with vague, implausible excuses.
This isn’t a performance management issue. This is survival.
CONVERSATION
Coercive control alters how victims communicate. Their speech is heavily monitored, and their reality is constantly manipulated.
Before, she chatted freely about her weekend plans, remaining open and present with her team. After, the silence is deafening. She becomes defensive or unnervingly quiet, apologising constantly for things that aren’t her fault. You might notice her using phrases like, “He wouldn’t like it if…” or asking for permission to make the smallest, most insignificant decisions.
Spotting domestic abuse at work requires opening safe avenues for conversation. You don’t need to jump to conclusions; you just need to listen carefully to what isn’t being said.
Turn Awareness Into Action
The ABC Framework turns awareness into action. Spotting domestic abuse at work isn’t about rushing in to “save” someone, and it certainly isn’t about acting as a trained counsellor. It’s about being the colleague or manager who simply notices.
The ABC Framework makes the invisible visible. It gives employers the power to step up and support their people when it matters most. Because when work is their only safe place, we have to make sure it stays that way. 💜🫶🥰
