Over the last 12 months, I have been ticking off a lot of firsts. I have had new tattoos, enjoyed meals at Turtle Bay, celebrated with big number balloons for my birthday, and even taken myself to the pub and the cinema entirely on my own.
Today, I popped my Little Dessert Shop cherry 🍒. Let me tell you, that red velvet cheesecake was absolutely delicious 😍.
To the average person, this probably means nothing at all. It is just a slice of cake. It is just a film. But when you are starting over after domestic abuse, these everyday activities are massive victories. When I was trapped in that abusive, controlling, and violent situation, I could not do anything at all.
The reality of coercive control is that it wraps around you like an invisible thread. If I had even thought about going to a cafe by myself back then, the interrogation would have started before my coat was even on. Where are you going? Who are you really meeting? Why do you need to go out? My phone would have been blowing up constantly, demanding my exact location and an immediate response. The anxiety of simply walking out the front door was so suffocating that it was easier just to stay at home. I was physically present, but I was not allowed to actually live.
But now, it is as though I am seeing my life for the very first time.
Sitting in that dessert shop today, my phone was quiet. I was not looking over my shoulder wondering who was watching me or calculating how long I had been out of the house. I was just a woman enjoying a cheesecake. The sheer freedom of that is hard to put into words. Snapping that thread of control is a deliberate, daily act of rebellion. I am choosing to do whatever the hell it is I want to do, and it feels incredibly good 🥰.
This is what the journey of starting over after domestic abuse actually looks like in practice. As the founder of Stronger Beginnings, I often talk about the ABC Framework: Appearance, Behaviour, and Conversation. These small firsts are the perfect example of how we reclaim our ABCs from a perpetrator.
My Appearance has changed. Those new tattoos are a permanent, beautiful reminder that this is my body, and I get to choose what happens to it. The heavy, guarded look in my eyes has been replaced by genuine excitement.
My Behaviour has completely shifted. I no longer ask for permission to exist. Going to the pub alone or booking a single cinema ticket is a reclaiming of my independence. I am moving through the world on my own terms without making myself small to keep the peace.
And my Conversation, especially the internal one, is entirely different. I am no longer rehearsing lies or excuses to keep myself safe. My inner dialogue is not filled with fear or self-doubt anymore. Instead, I am having conversations filled with hope. I am looking at the menu of life and deciding exactly what I want to order.
These might seem like small things to the outside world. To us, they are the building blocks of a brand new foundation. They are making a big difference to me, and they remind me exactly why the work we do at Stronger Beginnings is so vital 😊.
If you are in the thick of it right now, or if you have just left and the world feels terrifyingly big, please know that your firsts are waiting for you. It takes time to silence that perpetrator’s voice in your head. It takes time to realise you do not have to justify buying a coffee or taking a walk. But when you reach that point, it is a breathtaking feeling.
I am so excited about life right now. I really cannot wait to see what I decide to do next 🤭🤣. Keep taking those small steps forward, because every single one of them belongs to you 💜🫶.
